Top 10 Things I've Learned in Childbirth Class

We're only 4 weeks into our 6-week childbirth preparation class at St. John's, and I'm feeling compelled to offer a "top 10" list of things I've learned thus far - some of which are humorous, and others are frighteningly real. Ready?

10. Forceps are scary. Big, scary, steel salad tongs. Again, scary.

9. Wanna see a guy squirm? Say “circumcision.” Wanna see a guy turn white? Show photos of circumcision procedures.

8. Black, tar-like poop is what’s supposed to come out in your baby’s first diaper - seriously.

7. No one tries to sugar coat labor…apparently it’s going to be miserable.

6. It’s really hard to “rehearse” a contraction while maintaining eye contact with your spouse...(and spontaneous laughter/giggling is generally frowned upon by the instructor).

5. They need more bathrooms near the childbirth education rooms at St. John’s. One is not enough for a room full of pregnant women.

4. While epidurals are encouraged to manage labor pain, it’s also encouraged to let it wear off a bit just before pushing to help you be more productive…if that’s the case, for there to be a point to get one in the first place, contractions must really, really hurt.

3. Stephen’s got a serious job ahead of him keeping me calm, breathing, hydrated, iced-up, massaged and happy while attempting to welcome our buddy into the world.

2. It’s almost time to kiss goodbye to sleep.

1. I’m going to be in some serious pain in t-minus 2 months – pray for me.

Billions of women throughout history have survived this process, and willingly get pregnant again after giving birth, so I know it's all worth it, but these classes sure have done a good job of painting a painful, sleepless future in my imagination. I'm sure there will be many more valuable lessons ahead of me in the last two weeks as we learn now about how to care for and feed an infant...so stay tuned for updates.

Is Christmas ever coming? (a post by Stephen)

It seems odd to me that November 2nd doesn't seem to be getting any closer. Don't get me wrong, I am fully aware that logic says with each passing day we get closer to the due date. But it sure doesn't feel like we are getting any closer. It reminds me of the good ol' days when you were a little kid and you knew Christmas was coming but it just couldn't come fast enough. You'd watch the calendar each day and walk through all the stores with Christmas decorations and stare at your Christmas tree but it still seemed so far off. We're now over halfway through our parenting classes but time seems to be standing still. Most of the furniture for baby is in the nursery and I'll look in there and think "is this really going to happen?" Friends and colleagues keep asking when the big day is and everyone's response is "that is so soon" and I nod my head and politely agree but it still doesn't feel soon.

Now my wife might tell you otherwise. But then again, she has to carry the little guy around. As her aches and pains grow with each passing day, she probably does feel like it is getting closer. And overall, anticipation is a good thing. Much better than to be dreading the day, right? So for now, I am trying to listen to a common piece of advice that is being given: "Enjoy the last few months of peace and quiet in your home as much as possible." But it still doesn't feel like Santa is coming anytime soon.

A day at the spa

A few months ago, my thoughtful hubby gifted me with a certificate for a pregnancy massage at a local spa for my birthday. Since then, he's been politely pestering me about when I would redeem the massage, reminding me that I'm a ticking time bomb, and don't want to miss the chance for a good old fashioned professional rub down to ease my general discomfort.

So, I scheduled some time for relaxation this Saturday -- with a little nervousness about how this would work. Would they have a table with a hole cut out for my belly? Would the massage not be "as good" as a regular one due to special positioning? Would I be able to make it through an hour without having to pee?

The answers: no, yes, and barely.

Rather than a special table, Sarah (my masseuse) offered me a special pillow with a cut out so that I could lay on my stomach. I tried this at first, but I don't think buddy appreciated being a little squished, as he kicked the living daylights out of me until I gave up and had the massage on my side (hugging a body pillow).

To my surprise, the massage was fantastic. Sarah spent a lot of time on my hips, which was awesome since they've been hurting quite a bit lately.

And, while I visited the ladies room mere seconds before going into the massage room, I was in definite need of speeding across the hall post-massage. (Hourly trips to the bathroom are nothing to sneeze at these days -- more if I'm actively consuming liquids.)

So for any pregnant ladies considering a massage, I encourage it -- if nothing else, it's some quiet time to relax and enjoy some soothing music and have someone ease the pain in your aching joints.

I survived two 10-hour car rides

Yes, that's right -- this past weekend, Stephen and I drove with my family to Gresham, Wisconsin for a weekend at my parents' cabin. While the trip was very relaxing (never once looked at a clock or cared what time it was) and the weather was beautiful, the trip up and then back took 10 hours each time. Oh yeah, and I was 28 weeks pregnant.

The truth is -- it didn't get really bad until the last few hours. Having the ability to fully recline the passenger seat, and prop myself up in various ways with a body pillow and two regular pillows made the trip as comfortable as was possible. We also took frequent stops that involved a few laps around the McDonald's or nearby motel to give the old legs and back a good stretch.

In just 5 weeks, our good friends Ryan and Ashlea are getting married in Great Bend, Kansas -- another 8-9 hour drive...and here's hoping that I can make it all happen again.

My kid has hair

Another trip to the doctor this morning yielded some interesting insights about my little buddy.

1) Orange glucose drink is not a suitable breakfast for a growing boy.
Normally I eat cereal and fruit by about 6:45 a.m., and today, b/c I was fasting for my glucose test (which btw, tasted fine -- contrary to all the horror stories I'd heard from others), by 9:40, when I was waiting for the doctor after getting blood drawn and an ultrasound, my hands were shaking. Good thing my purse is always stocked with nutri-grain bars, Luna bars, etc. (and yes, I ate two).

2) Dang, that kid is stubborn.
For the better part of a half hour, my little buddy sat scrunched up in a tiny ball in my stomach. Seriously, his legs are crossed and pulled up in front of his face, and he has an arm wrapped around his legs to hold them up close to his tucked-in head. No amount of changing positions, prodding or poking would get him to look up, so we lost our chance to get another set of great 4D pictures (this time with him looking more like a baby).

3) My kid has hair...already.
Because he wouldn't move out of his little Olympic diver position, we got a great look at the back of his head. Normally, that wouldn't be so thrilling -- but today, the ultrasound technician pointed out that he HAS HAIR...or as she put it "isn't a cue ball."

4) Pouring on the pounds...
Yet again, I had a pretty big weight gain -- another 7 lbs. in the past month. That brings me to 22 lbs. gained already, with about another 11 or so weeks to go. The lil guy is starting to pull on my back and press on my joints much more, making sleeping, walking, sitting and really just about anything just that much more uncomfortable.

While the ultrasound was frustrating, and the glucose test wasn't "fun," persay -- we did find out he's growing well -- and now weighs just under 3 lbs...which is very cool. It won't be long before we can see him in person, so I guess I'll just have to wait patiently. :)

The hormones are overtaking my brain

Something has happened in the last few days, and it ain't pretty. I've become clumsy, a bit more confused and generally, pretty emotional. The hormones appear to have taken over and are slowly battling each and every brain cell I have left. And, science shows I'm not alone.

Seriously, it's a condition called "pregnancy brain" -- where the sleep deprivation, emotional rollercoaster and overwhelming amount of baby preparations on our minds hinders us from being, well...normal.

It seems my concentration is truly shattered. Yesterday, I nearly broke my neck slipping on a wet floor in Schnucks. I could barely move for hours afterwards. Then, at my mom and dad's house for dinner, I overflowed a glass of ginger ale (not paying attention), and dropped a very sharp Pampered Chef knife, narrowly missing my bare feet on the floor. Then, I sobbed uncontrollably upon arriving home. This morning, I nearly fell flat on my face trying to walk down the hallway at work.

I'm one of those people who thinks people tripping and/or falling is pretty darn hilarious. I still laugh hysterically thinking about this youtube video: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7_1YgYdGzXA. (Laughing right now...)...sigh.

But, it's not funny when it's happening to you -- so maybe pregnancy brain is just karma -- paying me back for all the years of snickering when someone trips and/or acts like a clutz. Or, maybe it's the fact that my focus is being drawn to my buddy each time he flips around or pokes me to remind me he's in there. Either way, I guess it's part of life for at least the next 3 months...so watch out. :)